Poole Confessions

when i was lodging away with a landlady i got really drunk one night, i returned to the house and was sick on the posh carpet in my bedroom. I tried to clean it up but there was a nasty stain, so I moved the rugs around so that she would not find it until after I had moved back home.

when i was a student i was due to move out of a shared house but had not told my flat mates. I put off and put off telling them until i had a foreign trip …i just left them a note explaining that i was moving out instead of telling them to their face…needless to say i was not popular when i returned from my trip

My dad shared a lift to work with a work colleague and left his car in our road, i was 11 at the time. My friend told me to snap his car aerial off and like a fool i did. when dad and the work colleague returned home they saw what had happened. Dad explained that it was not usually a rough area..little did he know i had done it!

I bought a copy of Fleur Adcock’s new poetry book – I love her work, and gushed about it as she signed the book for me. But I hated the book – I was so disappointed that I posted a horrible review of it on Amazon, which is a poor repayment for all the pleasure her other work has given me. Perhaps I’ve already paid my penance – I can’t sell it except to someone who shares my name!

When I was about 8 or 9, I was staying my with Auntie who had a small baby.  I have no idea why but I was not supposed to pick up the baby but I couldn’t resist the chance when she was in her pram in the porch one day.  Unfortunately, I dropped her on to the concrete floor of the porch.  A huge lump and bruise came up on her head.  I cannot remember how I got out of it but I denied any knowledge of how this had come about.  The baby is 39 now with two children of her own but I still look at her and wonder if she is surviving with a hairline fracture to her skull …?

When i was about fourteen i read in the Bournemouth Echo that the nutmeg used for culinary purposes actually shared some of the chemical properties of cannabis sativa. Living in an area where the most illegal thing young people got around to doing was buying cigarettes underage, I was most encouraged by this development and decided to put some nutmeg to good use. I got my friends to come around to my house when my parents were away. I cooked for them, we got drunk and then we tried to smoke the nutmeg. This really didn’t work at all so we resorted to snorting it. This actually worked ok. Unfortunately i can’t really comment on the efficacy of the nutmeg because we got so drunk it was impossible to discern the effects of anything narcotic over and above the wine.

My dad’s mate is an airline pilot and he says when he flies into this airport that’s really windy he deliberately makes the plane bounce about  to frighten the passengers so that  he gets a round of applause when he lands.

I used to hate this big lit up sign that was outside my flat. It said IN AND OUT BURGERS and flickered all night red and blue, and I didn’t really know what in and out meant anyway. I tried to make it fuse by throwing food up on to it and getting seagulls to land on it but one of them got its foot burnt and now it hobbles about….

I set fire to my neighbours shed when my girlfriend dumped me, just for the sake of doing something bad. There was a pet rabbit inside and it died. I didn’t mean to kill the rabbit, I’m sorry for that, I just meant to burn the shed. I blamed the fire on a gang of hoodies from Rossmore

I used to steal posh books from my local library because I fancied this woman who worked there and I thought that if I got caught stealing the books I would get to meet her